the photo I almost didn’t post

If you follow me on social media, you might already know that June was Scoliosis Awareness Month.

To close it out, I wanted to post a photo of my back. And it wouldn’t have been the first time I did that.

But I realized something: even though I have posted my back before, I was still only ever posting my “good” angles. The ones where my very obvious rib hump wasn’t as obvious.

And I was kind of disappointed in myself. Because on social media, I’ve always tried to be real and honest about my disabled body. But turns out, I was still trying to curate it. Still trying to make it more acceptable.

And that goes against everything I believe in.

So why the hell was I doing it??

Because I’ve been taught to be ashamed of my body since I can remember.

From family, kids at school, doctors, movies, TV shows, books, music — literally everything tells disabled folks that we have something to be ashamed of.

So I got very good at hiding my body.

I knew what type of clothes would make my rib hump more noticeable, so I avoided them. Never tight t-shirts. Never tank tops that showed any part of my back.

I got really good at knowing how to angle myself in photos so I looked “normal.” Of where to stand in group photos so that I would be seen, but not really seen, you know?

Shame is a complicated feeling.

You know you shouldn’t feel it, because deep down you know there is nothing wrong with your body or with being disabled. You sure don’t want to feel it, because it’s makes you feel like shit. But sometimes it still creeps in.

Because it’s really, really, REALLY hard to unlearn all of the horrible things you’ve been taught to feel about your disabled body.

It’s like trying to un-brainwash yourself.

So, if you ever catch yourself feeling shame about your body. Or catch yourself thinking “I shouldn’t post that photo,” remember;

Shame is taught and reinforced. It’s taught to us by systems that want to profit off our insecurities and reinforced by people who can’t handle anything that doesn’t fit into their tiny, ignorant view of what’s “normal.”

And so I want to give you a challenge: post that photo you’re scared to post. Because it just might be the photo that someone else needs to see to know they aren’t alone.