I spent over $3000 this year trying to fix myself

Okay, I have something to confess.

And honestly? It’s kind of embarrassing.

So far this year, I’ve spent over $3,000 on clothes.

Three. Thousand. Dollars.

Yikes.

Why did I spend so much?

Because shopping, especially for clothes, has always been my coping mechanism. My way of dealing with all of the shitty feelings I had about my body.

As a disabled woman, I’ve spent most of my life feeling like I’m already starting from behind.

Like I had to work harder to be seen as worthy. Or normal (ugh). Or like I belonged.

Like if I looked “cool” enough, or trendy enough, or wore the expensive Lululemon leggings and an Agolde jacket, then just maybe people would overlook the fact that I looked different.

Maybe to them I’d look less disabled.

Maybe I’d look “worthy."

And I know how messed up that sounds. Because logically, I know there is nothing wrong with being disabled or looking disabled. But that's what decades of ableist messaging will do to you. It messes with your head.

So, I tried to shop my way into acceptance.

And social media has made it so much worse. The second you open that app, you can’t help but compare yourself.

I’ll see a cute outfit on someone and convince myself, “if I buy that, I’ll look just like her!”

Or I’ll watch a GRWM from a girl with a symmetrical face and perfect lips, and suddenly I’m wondering if I need to get lip filler and have my crooked nose fixed.

Things that never even bothered me before.

You know how people always say “comparison is a thief of joy”?

Yeah, I think that’s putting it way too lightly.

For me, it creates this constant sense of unease. Like no matter what I do, I’m never good enough.

Good enough for who? No idea.

Good enough compared to who? Again, no idea. Everyone, I guess.

And no one ever tells you how to actually fix this feeling.

Which is why I found myself spending a ridiculous amount of money on things trying to fix the way I felt about myself.

And it wasn’t until I saw that scary number in my budgeting app that I stopped to actually think about what I was doing.

That number said “you’ve been trying to buy your way out of feeling unworthy.”

Oof.

If you relate to any of this, even just a little, I want to leave you with a mindset shift I’ve been working on in case it helps you too.

Before I buy anything, I’ve started asking myself:

1. Does this item fill an actual need in my life?
If the answer is no, then I’m not buying it.

2. Am I buying this because I saw someone else wearing it?
If the answer is yes, then I’ve been influenced. And I’m not buying it.

3. How do I think this item will change my life?
If the answer is “It’ll make me look cooler or cuter,” then I’m not shopping, I’m comparing.

And no amount of new clothing will fix that feeling.