stop asking what’s wrong with me

You feel it coming before they even open their mouth.

A stranger spots you in the produce aisle.

They're doing that thing where they're pretending not to stare while absolutely staring.

Your spidey sense is tingling.

They move closer and you just hope they’re going to ask you what time it is, or if you know where the avocados are.

“What’s wrong with you?”

Annnnnd there it is.

That question.

I wanted to write about a specific experience here, but it’s happened so many times that they’ve all just muddled together into one big ableist blur.

And every time I’ve wanted to clap back with "Nothing's wrong with me, but clearly something's wrong with you.”

Instead, I did what most of us who’ve been conditioned into non-disabled-people-pleasing do. I gave them some safe, sanitized answer.

“Just an old injury acting up.”

“Oh nothing, I’m fine!”

“It’s a long story!”

Maybe you’ve found yourself doing the same thing.

Every time someone asked me, “What’s wrong with you?” I felt like I was the problem. I blamed myself for making them “uncomfortable.” I felt like I was overreacting or being too sensitive.

But I wasn’t being too sensitive. And I wasn’t overreacting.

Because when someone asks, "What's wrong with you?" they're not just being nosy or rude. They're participating in something much bigger and much more screwed up.

They're reinforcing the idea that some bodies are "right” and others are "wrong."

And the idea that disabled = something is wrong with us; well, that’s the exact same logic that is used to create the systems that exclude us.

“Why hire a disabled person? There’s no way they’ll be able to do the job.”

“Why prioritize disabled lives during a pandemic? They’re already sick.”

It’s a dangerous idea to perpetuate. Especially now, as we’re seeing society become even more intolerant towards disabled people.

What non-disabled people won’t understand — and, if I let the cynic in me write for a second — won’t care to, is just how damaging this question is.

Because after hearing "What's wrong with you?" enough times, we can’t help but start asking it of ourselves.

What's wrong with me? Most people don’t need help tying their shoes.

What’s wrong with me? No one else has a problem getting into the venue.

What’s wrong with me? Everyone else can work full time without accommodations.

This kind of internalized ableism is so dangerous.

It makes us feel small. It makes us feel like we’re the problem for simply existing.

And oppression works best when we start doing it to ourselves.

So, how do we respond?

You aren’t a bad person for giving the short, sanitized answer just to get out of there. That’s just self-preservation.

But if you’re tired of doing that, use these as needed:

“Nothing’s wrong with me.”

“What a strange question.”

Or my personal favourite, “why are you asking?” because this one makes them say that quiet part out loud 😏

And I want to end with something really important: strangers, allies, our family and friends, and even other disabled folks might tell you you’re being too sensitive, overreacting, or that you should just answer “what’s wrong with you?” with a polite “oh, I have [insert disability here].”

But you don’t owe anyone your medical history. And you don’t exist to make other people comfortable.

You are not the problem. The question is.